“If I had a nickel for every time I was wrong, I’d be flat broke”
—Wanye Gretz

So we’re in Vancouver right now. It sucks because we have missed two Oilers games, which aren’t shown on Sportsnet Pacific.

Fair enough.

So we went to watch the highlights last night. TSN is a freaking poker marathon and there are no highlights to be seen. Sportsnet, some talk show.

Fair enough.

So we watched the sports of the local news here in Van City. They lead with the Canucks game highlights.

Fair enough.

Then they interview Coach Vignault. Then they show the Sedins. Then the upcoming schedule. Then a feature on Kesler. Then a couple more games.

But still no Oilers. We’re one province over!

Then they show Stompgate with He Who Must Not Be Named in Anaheim. Still no Oilers.

Then, after a set commercials, when it must be Oilers time, when they’ve run a feature on Kuwaiti sand polo pre-season matches and have talked about everything under the sports sun but the one thing that matters, what do they show?

Billy freakin’ Crystal getting an at-bat for the Yankees.

What the hell?! Who cares about Billy Crystal? Before the Mighty Oil highlights?! Is everyone out here on drugs?

Do people in Vancouver really want to watch Billy Crystal whiff at muff balls tossed underhand at spring training instead of a divisional rival match-up in the playoff drive?

If this is what Vancouveronians really want to watch on TV, someone please let us know so we can build a panic room in our house and live out the rest of our days eating nothing but canned creamed corn and breathing recycled air while the rest of the world goes insane.

‘Cause we would rather spend our life behind a locked sealed door than be a part of society where Billy C leads the Oil in a sportscast.