Yeah you read that right.

It’s January. As is the annual tradition in these parts, by
this point in the season the Oilers have settled comfortably on the ocean floor
at the bottom of the league. The early euphoria of the season has long since
worn off (NIKITIN IS THE NEW ORR YOU’LL SEE) and the season has been written
off 13 weeks back despite being only 12 weeks old.

Now begins the annual rite of staring at the NHL standings
and the Draft Report and trying to decide who is going to match up with whom at
the annual Losers Ball (read: Entry Draft.) And this year the stakes are higher than ever.

Last night during the Oilers 5-2 whompin’ of the New York
Islanders I found myself arrogantly cheering for the team to keep the foot on
the gas. “Throttle these idiots!” I yelled at the TV, “they have copied our
colour scheme and they are wearing the exact same hockey pants as the
Oilers!” 

Then my Limbic Brain sprang to life and reminded me what needs to go
down. “Ignore the now Wanye” it whispered, “Connor will set things right. If that Nelson doesn’t ruin things”

We need McJesus plain and simple. 

He is the shortest
distance between point A (Oilers inexplicably suck despite being stocked with
talent) and point B (the Oilers are awesome and I mail bags of poo to
FlamesNation HQ every Monday morning.) This will require losses piled to the sky
and the Oilers have a long and proud tradition of getting this done by every
means possible.

Having now watched every clip of him on YouTube, modifying my Justin Schultz bobble head to resemble Connor more closely and having watched him in the World Juniors it’s clear – THIS is the guy we need here in Edmonton. Screw all those other #1 picks – THIS number 1 pick is the number 1 pick that will get us on the bullet train to Victoryland.

THIS GUY COULD RUIN EVERYTHING

So right when we need losses the most this new chap shows up
on the bench. Who the hell does this upstart think he is? He looks like a
Detective from a Lifetime Movie about a missing child and a frantic mother who
must overcome her deep seeded childhood anxieties to reunite with her daughter.
Does he really think he can make this team win? Has he really been this effective solo behind the bench? AND WHY IS HE SO TANNED EXACTLY?

LISTEN HERE TODD NELSON

We won’t have any of your “coaching” and your “non swarm defense” or any of
that nonsense. Was that forechecking last night? Where the hell did that
come from? At one point the Oilers cycled two lines and the puck didn’t
leave the Islanders zone the entire time. This spells trouble pure and simple.

Here are some rules to make sure you don’t screw this up on the eve of the Oilers landing the greatest player since ever. Please see that they are followed if you want to keep your shiny new job.

1. Bench Hendricks 

This son of a bitch scored one of his goals from his knees
last night. This is the last thing we need if we are going to land our newest
18 year old saviour. He must be placed on the LTIR immediately until he learns what Oilers hockey is all about.

2. Don’t play any new players 

Klinkhammer, Roy and Fraser have all made an impact since
they arrived. They have all seen the score sheet and have made their presence
and energy felt in a cavernous Oilers dressing room. This inspired play has started
to raise the spirits and the play of those on the ice around them.

This has to stop immediately.

Where is Cam Barker these days? Can someone DM Ryan Jones wherever he is now? Dany Heatley is probably
ready to watch that DVD about life in Edmonton right about now. If we must
bring new players in to the dressing room please find guys who are going to drag
everyone down around them. We don’t need guys who are going to stick up for
their teammates and “finish their checks” for heaven’s sakes.

3. No more practices

What the hell are you teaching the Oilers this late in the season at practice? They are looking like an entirely different team – a team that is going to finish 3 or 4 spots out of the McDavid sweepstakes. As of today you must cancel all team meetings, practices and off ice sessions.

4. Don’t let Connor McDavid meet any cool people between here and July

Gah! Is that our boy meeting Lemieux and Crosby? Get your filthy Pittsburgian hands off of him. You don’t need to know if he is a nice kid or not fellas. You don’t need to tour him around the Igloo or whatever you call your barn these days. McDavid ain’t gonna play so much as a shift for you people. 

The only thing you need to know about him, Sidney, is that he is going to put his foot squarely up your ass when he takes to the ice in Oilers silks. Todd Nelson: you need to hire a team of covert agents to prevent Connor from meeting anyone cooler than anyone in the Oilers head office. Given their behaviour of late this basically means “everyone on Earth.”

FINAL THREAT

I’m trying to watch last place hockey in a half empty
building for $100 a ticket whilst delicately sipping $9 beers with the grim
understanding that finishing anywhere above 28th place is the worst
thing the Oilers could possibly do right now. If you can’t do the job you were hired to do – deliver Connor McDavid on a platter – you need to get out of the way immediately.

Kindly stop screwing with all our hopes and dreams.