Yesterday I wrote an article about going to a Norwegian Pro Hockey game that contained about 6 words about the actual game. This is part 2. If you want to comment on something Oilers related you got 99 options but this ain’t one.
One of the first things that stood out at playoff hockey in Norway was one guy on either team wheeling around in a shiny Golden helmet. My
Norwegian seat mate – also known as the Great Beard of 2015 – explained that this was given to the top point getter
on either team going into the game. This is a cool innovation in helmet
technology and surely something Justin Schultz should petition the NHL to adopt
prior to his inevitable Norris Trophy win.
The Våler Gens IF golden helmet wearer wasn’t sporting it by accident either as he
quickly potted a goal and set up another as his squad took a quick 2-1 lead.
Tigers fans began to look dejected as the Våler Gens IF section stood clapped and sang
complicated Norwegian fight songs as their team cut through Tigers defense like knives through hot Norway butter.
FIRST INTERMISSION
With one period in the can I figured now was as good a time
as any to get something to wash down my bottle of sobering non alcoholic water.
Where there would be valuable $250 club seats in prime jersey
throwing position at an NHL arena, here they had a funny little
concession stand selling hotdogs served in tortillas (Note: ???) and tasty
waffle sets covered in jam which were named First Star in the game by my count.
There is a reason that the Oilers can pay Nikita Nikitin $12 billion dollars over 2 years and barely dent the the bottom line
and why players over here make a comfortable but hardly balling living. Say what you want about greedy team owners and league commissioners ruining everything but North American professional sports are
designed to efficiently extract money from your team branded wallet as quickly as you can fork it over.
They are built to do business.
Want a beer? Here you go. Want some sushi with that? No
problem. Want an Oilers brand piggy bank at intermission? Do you want him
wearing a home or away jersey? It’s big league business, charging big league
prices and ostensibly offering big league product* Over here it is waffles,
water and the odd set of clappy hands if you know exactly where to
look.
*Ignoring Oilers, Edmonton 2007-present
THE SECOND FRAME
The second period came and went with more of the same from
those IF bastards. They scored on tipped shots. They scored on a nifty 2 on 1. They
scored each and every way you can imagine and the golden helmet looked smug in his shiny lid as he celebrated with his teammates. And don’t even get me started on the refs. It’s like they wanted IF to throttle the Tigers at home. Bastards.
Ah the home team getting blitzed in front
of its dejected fans. This was the kind of hockey that an Oilers fan can get
behind and reminded me fondly of home. This is exactly the fix I needed.
After watching the smoking remains of the Tigers drag
themselves into the dressing room after 2, I toured the arena taking in the
sights and the smells of a Norwegian facility. It was then where I saw the
banner to end all banners hanging on the concourse wall.
(Imagine an awestruck Wanye doing the Dougie in front of dozens of confused Norwegian hockey fans here)
OH SNAP.
Here on the other side of the world the
Great One still casts a Champion shadow on the game he will forever rule. I quickly demanded a frazzled local hockey mom of what appeared to be at least 10 kids stop minding her array of rink rats to take my picture in front of 99. Then I stood at attention, saluting the banner and singing the Canadian national anthem at full volume with tears in my eyes until the third period got underway.
As the game marched on the Våler Gens IF continued to score goals seemingly at will. And all us Tigers fans became
quieter and quieter, my Norwegians BFFF included. Although everyone here
is super nice and friendly, the grim prospect of watching their home team
get pumped has been the only time I have seen a Norwegian short of
words.
THE OTHER OILERS
“So you are an Oilers fan” my bearded chum glumly noted during
a stoppage in play. Did you know that there is an Oilers team over here too?
The Stavanger Oilers. They are quite a strong club, not like your Oilers. Maybe you
should switch to them.”
“ANOTHER OILERS!” I exclaimed much too loudly. “Tell me
everything. Spare no detail. Do they have a Jultz too? HAHAHA WHAT A CLOWN I BET HE IS ALL RICH AND WHAT NOT”
The other Oilers play in the top division of Norwegian hockey and won the 2014 IIHF Continental Cup – which ostensibly our Oilers didn’t win because Tambellini is still assessing our chances and developing strategies which will allow us to compete.
Finding another Oilers team is like finding a wormhole in space and accidentally crossing into an alternate dimension. I like their logo, I like their colour scheme. I like their winning ways. Part of me wonders if there is an alternate universe Wanye living in Stavanger eating weird donairs and patiently waiting for the new Snoop Dogg album to drop too.
If these other Oilers hadn’t already seen their season come to an end there would be a part 3 to this Nobel Prize worthy analysis of Hockey over here but sadly they have already wrapped up the 2014-15 season. But I have my eye on you other Oilers. This ain’t over yet.
There can be only one.
And so Game 5 of the playoff series ended in a stone sober beat
down of our beloved home team Tigers with an 8-1 final score. My new Norwegian homie and I sadly parted ways, sure that the next game in the
series would bring a more favourable result. “Come back to Oslo anytime” he said through his impossibly luxurious beard as he crushed my hand in a vicelike handshake and we parted ways.
“Norway loves Canada. Go Oilers.”
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE IS THE ANALYSIS OF THE PK? I DEMAND A FULL REFUND
Looks like that you were really enjoy the stay in Norway. Are you sure that you want to come back?
Oh it’s great but it’s not Edmonton.
Edmonton > Everywhere else
Chris Pronger salutes you
To be fair, it was Lauren Pronger.
Who? OH WAIT HER
*gets gun*
Who?
Exactly.
Its odd that when I was in Norway I ran into 3 random people at different times all from Edmonton. One luckily owned a pub in Trondheim and was kind enough to scour the city for some crown royal for us.
Edmonton>Norway hmmm
The food in Edmonton is WAYYYYY better as the Norwegian food is freaking weird BUT the women in Norway are amazing! I had no idea that there could be so many beautiful girls in one place. It was really quite ridiculous! And very forward, which is always an admirable trait in a beautiful woman to a guy with very little game.
Time to start posting some Clubbing pics Wayne.
Careful about asking for “Clubbing” pictures in Scandanavian countries.
It’s bad enough there are Canuck and Flames’ fans trolling. The LAST thing we need is PETA posting on here.
Maybe you bring back a new starting goalie, a couple of defence men and a few centres from the Bizarro Oilers?
If not, bring back some of those tasty jam covered waffles pleas…
Nice to read about hockey in another country. Hockey game day experience needs to be Improved here.
Honestly you could write about dandelion infestations and I’d gladly read it, Wanye. What a fun time you are having in between “whatever the hell else you are doing over there” work. Never stop writing. Ever. About anything.
Well this wins the award for the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in the history of being a fake person on the internet.
THANK YOU THANK YOU MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH
Oslo is so much fun. Stavanger is also a blast. Make sure you drink plenty of Aquavit and eat the stinky brown cheese.
Memories.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE IS THE ANALYSIS OF THE NORWEGIAN WOMAN? BOOO WANYE ALWAYS TALKING HOCKEY AND NOT IMPORTANT THINGS!!!
COTD right here folks!
Why can’t we give more than one cheer?!?! Why Why Why?!?!?
*furiously pumping fist in air while coworkers call the Alberta Hospital*
mmmmmmm waffles………
mmmmmmmm Norwegian women………
…golden helmet = a TARGET no?
it’s ok to return …the polar vortex is receding!
The polar vortex? Is that Eakins new nickname? Cold. Sharp. Bitter. And unwelcome?
…good comparison V…actually I’m in Ontario now and it’s 14 here today and gonna be one 2moro … so ya hot and cold like that idiot former coach…he’d even eff up Wanye’s beloved Norway Oilers…
One important question needs to be answered… How much were those Norwegian beers?
They spelled “WANYE” incorrectly on the Championship banner.
Just wanted to add that there was a time eons ago when Wanye’s articles basically were the reason a lot of us got addicted to this site.
The reason NoObs can complain about “actual Oilers hockey-related content” today is because Wanye was gutting out riveting stuff like donair reviews and making MS Paint masterpieces at Wanye manor while we were all out having super donairs for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Some of us refer to those times as “the pre-corsi era”.
Agreed. Speaking of Wanye’s MS Paint masterpieces if Rexall 2 doesn’t have a helipad I will be sorely disappointed, but not as disappointed as I’ll be if they don’t have those Norwegian waffle thingys.
That helipad is real if it all lives in our hearts. I really miss MS-Paint. I wonder if there is a similar program for iMacs. Ever since I switched to Apple my fledgling art career tanked.
WHY IS EVERYONE BEING SO NICE!? AM I DYING!?
*tips 40 foot tall top hat*
To assure you that you aren’t dying…
What a pitiful end to another fluff peice that if you threw a rock and a typewritter down a hill, you would get equal to better results.
Way to not drink beer and talk to a dude with a beard. Not!
(I assure you, I’m only doing this to save your life somehow)
Ahhhhhh that’s better. People are only nice to you online when you are a) dying b) have an extra ticket to something awesome or c) need help moving.
I have no tickets to anything and sure as hell ain’t helping anyone move. Good to rule out a) too
Wanye I’m so happy you’re having a good time in Europe and doing all sorts of fun (non) work-related things, but I wish you would come back and watch the Oilers with us and write about them with the same passion as you wrote about 99, even if it’s just a bunch of yelling.
Well thank you. I am always online like the matrix or skynet or things of that nature so I’m not really gone.
These articles are why I stick with the Nation. Well written Wayne… Thanks for sharing your story!
But where is the photo of you mounting the 40ft statue of Patrick Thoresen??? Have you no shame? (Dumb question, I knew the answer as soon as I typed it)
Hey while ur there, are you considered to be a Norwanyian?
Nicely done. I will check with the Embassy but I assume the answer is Yes.
I lived in Stavanger, Norway for about 3 months, on and off. I took in a Stavanger Oilers game while I was there. No beer. No hits. No fights. Golden helmet. Pulse-med-brod (hot dogs). Gorgeous women. But it was like your sobriety is amplified, you know? Because you’re not driving (I took a bus), so you are free as the wind to drink, but nothing doing, so it is as if it’s EKSTRA (extra in norse) sobrey.
Ah, good times…
The Oilers won when I was there. Lots of skilled plays, but no hits at all. No violence of any kind. And there were fireworks! They opened the game with fireworks of some description. Indoors. Like right above our heads, a bunch of firecrackers were going off. It was great.
@Wanye
If you care, those tortillas are called lompe, made from potatoes. There are a little weird at first, but worth trying if you get a chance, I quite like them